How to Respond to Our Children Without Criticism or Blame

As parents, there are moments when we feel an almost automatic pull toward criticism or blame when we respond to our children – especially when we’re overwhelmed. It’s hard not to react when, for the fourth time, a school uniform item goes missing.

That was me yesterday (err today!).

I tried to stay calm, but inside, I was frustrated, angry and upset. I also realise that the guilt creeps in, am I going to say or do the right thing? Can I actually hurt them when I respond in a specific way?

I explained to my daughter that we had to be more careful because the items were out of stock. She immediately burst into tears, demanding that I buy a new one right now.

The emotional intensity was high, and in that moment, all I wanted to say was, “You have to be more responsible! We can’t just keep replacing things!” But deep down, I knew those words wouldn’t land the way I wanted them to. She wasn’t in a place to hear reason; she was too upset.

The thing is, something needs to be said, kids need to understand. I realised that it does not have to be in the moment, when the event happens. I realised that there is a time for everything and we can also decide when they will most effectively listen.

If I criticise, blame or judge my kid, I found that their self esteem can get impacted and they may feel bad about themselves and respond with shame.

The tantrum or the outburst comes from how they feel internally. Their reaction does not always make sense to you so imagine the chaos they are feeling inside. I love what Dr Becky says: “They are not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time”.

Creating Distance Before Reacting

This was one of those parenting moments where I had to remind myself: Pause. Name it. Shift it.

It took effort, but I created a little distance before reacting. I didn’t tell her it was okay to lose things, but I also didn’t go into blame mode. Instead, I simply acknowledged what was happening: “I can see you’re really frustrated and upset right now.” That was all.

Once the intensity of the moment passed – after about 20 minutes – I approached the conversation differently.

Dr Becky helped me a lot here – she has some great tips around deeply feeling kids, tantrums and shame. Here is the link to the podcast.

Using Storytelling Instead of Blame to Respond to Our Children

I thought about how I work with my coaching clients. I never meet their struggles with judgment or criticism; instead, I focus on emotions and help them find solutions that feel right for them.

We can use the same approach when we respond to our children.

What I like the most about it is that it becomes easier not to judge, criticise or blame. I find it hard in the moment to not judge especially when siblings are fighting therefore, I tend to walk away when I can! Which does not always happen. I also try to calm myself down with a mantra: “They’re not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time…”; if I feel calm enough, I also tell stories about myself rather than focusing on them. I will share what happened between my sister and I that was frustrating and how I was responding to her etc.

So I asked myself, What would I do if this were a client? And then I applied the same approach with my daughter.

I shared a personal story. I told her about times when I forgot important things: how frustrating it felt, how I wanted to blame others (just like she had blamed me for losing her uniform). I named the emotions I felt in those moments: annoyance, regret, irritation.

Then, I shared a few little tricks I used to help myself remember things. I used to move my watch from my left wrist to my right – so when I noticed it felt “wrong,” it triggered my memory. Sometimes, I’d draw a small cross on my hand to remind me of something important.

She listened so intently. Instead of shutting down from blame, she was engaged, curious.

I am not always as successful as I would like, trust me. Sometimes I need to actually spend time processing how I feel before I am actually able to connect to how I truly want to show up. That’s has been the main realisation for me, being able to release my emotions before creating connection with the children. I have been working on this with my own coach, when you feel less pain, you can choose to be more creative. The pain is real and needs to be honoured when it is there.

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Meeting Our Children Where They Are

What I’ve learned is this: when our children react intensely, meeting them in their emotional world before trying to teach a lesson makes all the difference. It doesn’t mean we don’t address the issue. It means we do it when they’re ready to listen.

When they are too upset, logic doesn’t work. But when they feel heard, they become more open to conversation. More open to solutions. More open to learning.

The thing is, it might not be in the moment and we may need to practice it before things escalate. When we recognise the patterns, rather than waiting for it to happen, prepare in advance for what can come next. What can I do when I feel totally out of control? I tend to walk away and find a way to reset. It is hard when I am sole charge of the 3.

I feel so grateful when my husband steps in or my nanny is around to help. I have accepted even if sometimes it is hard not to judge myself, that I cannot do it all alone. My nervous system has a limit and I need to stay tuned to it and serve it so I can remain authentic and the mother I want to be!

Shifting the Focus: From Them to You

When we respond to our children, it can helpful to shift the focus from them to you.

Instead of saying, “You need to be more careful,” try shifting the focus:

“I’ve also struggled with remembering things, and here’s what helped me.”

This does two things:

✔️ It removes the power struggle.

✔️ It teaches through connection, not criticism.

Children learn best when they feel emotionally safe. And when we model self-awareness – by naming emotions, sharing struggles, and exploring solutions together – they learn to do the same.

Next Time You Feel the Urge to Criticise, Respond to Your Children Like This Instead

When your child makes a mistake and you feel that urge to criticise, try this:

1. Pause and acknowledge the emotion, yours and theirs. Take some distance if you can, move away, walk away to then return to it in a more calm way. Can you delegate?
2. Remember they are having a hard time, not giving you a hard time. Share a personal story of when you faced something similar.
3. Offer a solution that worked for you, rather than telling them what they should do.

It won’t always be easy. But over time, this shift builds emotional resilience – not just in them, but in us too.

Have you ever caught yourself about to react and shifted your approach instead? How did it change the conversation? Let’s chat in the comments.

I shared my personal journey in this video:

Did you find this helpful? I’d love to hear your journey and thoughts on this topic. Send me a message on Instagram.

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