Letting Go of Perfectionism (Without Letting Go of Who You Are)

Perfectionism. It’s a word we hear often, but what does it really mean? And more importantly, how is it showing up in your life? How can we start letting go of perfectionism truly?

Recently, I had the chance to sit down with coach and psychologist Dr. Claire Vowell for a conversation that felt so timely for the high-achievers, working parents, and driven professionals I work with.

We spoke about the hidden costs of perfectionism, how it plays out in everyday life, and what it actually takes to start releasing it – without losing your sense of ambition or identity.

Let’s dive in.

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What Is Perfectionism, Really?

As Claire puts it: perfectionism is about setting unreasonably high, often unachievable standards – and then tying your self-worth to meeting them.

It’s not just about striving for excellence. It’s the inner critic that kicks in when those standards aren’t met. It’s the voice that says, “Not enough,” even when you’ve given it your all. It’s the constant focus on what didn’t go well, rather than what did.

And here’s the tricky part: perfectionism doesn’t just impact how you show up at work. It creeps into parenting, relationships, body image, and even how you think someone should pick you up from the airport.

Claire shared a personal example from early in her relationship: she had built up an internal expectation that her now-husband would surprise her at the airport. He didn’t, but not because he didn’t care.

She had told him she’d take the tube home. Still, the disappointment was real. That’s the cost of unspoken, perfectionist expectations: they live in our heads, and we expect others to read our minds and meet them.

Whilst setting high expectations for ourselves and others may be described as perfectionism, they stem from something deeper within ourselves. You see, most of us have need that we wished were met. One of the most basic need for us is the need to feel loved, seen and appreciated. Taking the example above, the need to feel seen and appreciated may well be exacerbated when we do not feel that way in our day to day life. You see, we tend to see what we want to see. If we feel we are not good enough, then we may give a different meaning to the actions of people around us.

This is where setting high expectations can be tough for yourself and people around you. Realising that can help in explaining to others why we may feel the need for more support or care during that time, rather than leaving the power to others to disappoint us.

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The Double-Edged Sword of High Standards

One of the hardest truths we unpacked? Perfectionism doesn’t just push you to achieve; it can stop you from showing up altogether.

Claire sees it all the time with the female founders and executives she coaches: they delay launching a new offer, avoid going live on social media, or hesitate to apply for a new role. Not because they’re not capable, but because they’re waiting for things to be just right.

And when perfection becomes the baseline, “good enough” feels like failure. We miss opportunities. We burn out. We become hyper-critical of ourselves and others. It’s a never-ending loop of self-doubt and overthinking.

I see this in my work too. Clients come to me saying:

I’m always overwhelmed.” “I never feel organized.” “I don’t know where to start.”

These aren’t just throwaway lines; they’re signs that perfectionism is running the show. And what they’re really saying is: “I’m scared I won’t get it right.”

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But Letting Go Of Perfectionism Feels Terrifying

You’d think realizing all this would make us want to let go of perfectionism immediately, right?

Not always.

Claire described a powerful coaching moment with a client who was afraid to let go. For her, perfectionism had become an identity. It was how she proved her worth at work. It was how she’d always been seen in her family. Letting it go felt like losing a part of herself.

And that fear is valid. For many of us, perfectionism started as a survival strategy. Maybe we had critical parents. Maybe we were praised for achievements, not efforts. Maybe we failed publicly once, and the shame stuck with us for decades.

So yes, perfectionism may be hurting us. But it can also feel protective. Like if we drop it, we’ll become someone we don’t recognize.

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So, What’s It Costing You?

This is the question I come back to again and again in coaching:

What is perfectionism costing you?”

For Claire’s client, it was exhaustion, burnout, and a deep sense of never being enough. For others, it’s missed opportunities, lack of presence with loved ones, or constant second-guessing.

Sometimes, perfectionism leads to procrastination, not because we’re lazy, but because we’re paralyzed by the pressure to get it just right.

It’s an exhausting way to live. And it doesn’t have to be the only way.

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Tools to Gently Begin Letting Go of Perfectionism

You don’t have to eradicate perfectionism overnight. (And trying to do so perfectly… would kind of miss the point.)

Instead, here are a few strategies Claire and I explored that help our clients loosen its grip:

1. Start with Awareness, Not Criticism

Notice when perfectionism is showing up. Where is it most present? Work? Parenting? Relationships?

Be curious, not judgmental.

2. Try the “70% Rule”

What would 70% effort look like in this situation? Could you send the email even if the wording isn’t perfect? Could you show up to bedtime without needing to be the “perfect” parent?

Even starting with 90% can be powerful. The goal is progress, not perfection.

3. Redefine Success

Perfectionists often tie success to flawless execution. But what if success was showing up at all? What if success was building momentum, not meeting a rigid ideal?

4. Break the “All or Nothing” Trap

You don’t have to be perfect at work and at home and at the gym every single day.

Try thinking in seasons. Maybe this is a season where work takes more focus. Maybe next month is about being more present with your kids. Give yourself permission to shift.

5. Focus on the Gains, Not the Gaps

Inspired by The Gap and the Gain, we talked about how so many of us go to bed thinking about what we didn’t do.

Try this instead:

• What are 3 things I did today that I’m proud of?
• What are 3 things I’ll focus on tomorrow?

This simple shift helps rewire our brains for appreciation, not lack.

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A Final Thought: Perfectionism Isn’t Who You Are

You weren’t born a perfectionist. It’s a strategy you picked up somewhere along the way to stay safe, feel worthy, or gain approval.

And like any learned behavior, it can be unlearned.

It takes time. Compassion. And yes, sometimes support from a coach or therapist who can help you rewrite the story.

But if you take one thing from this blog, let it be this:

You don’t have to be perfect to be proud of yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to belong. You just have to be willing to show up, as you are, and start shifting the story.

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💬 Does this resonate with you? Where does perfectionism show up in your life? I’d love to hear in the comments or connect with you directly.

If this conversation brought something up for you, reach out for a coaching discovery call – or watch the full interview with Dr. Claire Vowell for even more insights.

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