The Childhood Labels We Internalized and How They Impact Setting Boundaries Today

Growing up, many of us were given labels that seemed harmless at the time. “You’re the responsible one.” “You’re so sensitive.” “You’re such a good girl.” They were often said with affection, or at least familiarity. But over time, these labels started to define how we showed up in the world, especially when it came to speaking up and setting boundaries.

In my recent group coaching session, this theme came up in a powerful way.

One woman shared how, as the eldest daughter in a South Asian family, she was expected to manage conflicts between her siblings, even well into adulthood. Her younger sisters had more freedom, but she was the “reliable” one, the one everyone leaned on. So of course, saying no – or even delaying a reply to a message – felt like she was breaking some invisible rule.

Another woman told us about being labeled “too sensitive” as a child. Anytime she brought up something that bothered her, the response was: “You’re overreacting.” “You’re taking it too personally.” That label stuck. As an adult, every time she wanted to assert a boundary, she felt the weight of that judgment in the back of her mind: Am I being too sensitive again?

These stories aren’t rare. They’re deeply familiar. And they matter, because the labels we internalized shape how we navigate boundaries today.

How Setting Boundaries Conflicts with Our Internalized Beliefs

Setting boundaries feels hard when it conflicts with who we think we’re supposed to be.

When I think back to my own experience, I remember being told I was “too emotional,” that I “couldn’t take a joke,” or that I needed help doing hard things. That narrative made it hard for me to speak up when something felt off. Not because I didn’t have the words, but because I feared how it would be received. I feared the judgment that might follow: “There she goes again, being dramatic.”

What I see again and again in my coaching work is this:

We don’t struggle to set boundaries because we don’t know how. We struggle because we fear what setting them might mean about us.

If you were praised for being agreeable, calm, or quiet, speaking up now can feel like you’re breaking character. If you were valued for always being available, not responding to a late-night message from your boss might feel wrong, even if it’s completely reasonable.

Setting Boundaries Can Feel Contradictory, and That’s Okay

Here’s the truth: You can love your people and still need space. You can be kind and still say no.

One of the women in my program told me how she finally stopped answering her sister’s 11pm texts right away. She used to feel panic: What if she’s upset? What if she needs me?

But over time, she practiced creating a pause. Now she waits until morning to reply, and she no longer apologizes for protecting her time.

That’s a boundary.

And sometimes, the shift starts even earlier, just by

1. Noticing the label.
2. Naming it.
3. Realizing: I’m not actually the “difficult one” for needing rest. I’m just no longer willing to carry a role that’s burning me out.

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A Quick Exercise for Understanding Your Internalized Labels

If you’ve been struggling to set or maintain your boundaries, I’ll ask you to reflect on these questions:

• What labels did you grow up with?
• And how might those be shaping the way you show up (or stay silent) today?

If it feels like a tender topic, that’s okay. This kind of reflection isn’t about blaming our families or rewriting our entire childhood. It’s about acknowledging the story we’ve been carrying and deciding, intentionally, whether we still want to carry it.

Because here’s the thing:

Boundaries aren’t about being selfish. They’re about being whole.

You don’t have to keep playing a role that no longer fits. You get to evolve. You get to rewrite the narrative. You get to decide who you are today, and how you want to be in your relationships, at home, and at work.

And if that means letting go of being the “good girl” or the “quiet one” or the “fixer,” so be it.

It doesn’t mean you love your people any less. It just means you’re starting to love yourself enough to take up space, too.

Ready to Explore This More Deeply?

If this resonates with you, if you’re starting to notice the labels you’ve carried and how they’re showing up in your relationships, work, or parenting… You don’t have to unpack it alone.

Inside my group coaching program, we create space for these exact conversations. You’ll be guided through tools to help you set boundaries (without guilt), reconnect with your truth, and feel more confident navigating the moments that matter.

Want to get started? Contact me here.

Let’s move from overwhelm to ownership, one honest boundary at a time.

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Meet Tania!

With three energetic kids, I know what it’s like to have to juggle your career goals and desire to be a good parent. That’s why I’m so passionate about helping working mums manage your time in the best way, so you can spend quality time with your kids and still find the courage to go after what you want in life.

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